You know, I have never once considered writing anything about my life down (EVER), but tonight something changed. Tonight I decided I was sick and tired of carrying around all this extra baggage everywhere I go. Tonight I decided I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. Tonight, I want to get this out in the open, but it took me a while to figure out how I wanted to go about doing this.
As I was laying awake in bed allowing that sense of overwhelming anxiety and depression wash over me, I decided that maybe it might actually benefit me to write through some of these issues I have.
I have never really admitted any of these things out loud to just anyone (just a couple of really close friends and family members), but I don't think I can hold some of these things inside anymore.
I am a victim of sexual assault. This is a subject I have always tried to stay away from when talking to people about myself because of its extremely uncomfortable nature. The events that unfolded on that cold December morning back in 2010 in my apartment will forever be seared into my brain. I remember everything in detail as if it had just happened. However, now, I am finally trying to make peace with what happened and lay it to rest after carrying it around with me for almost 6 years. For too long I allowed that stupid man to win by blaming myself for everything. ("Maybe if I had done this or that differently, things would've turned out different", "I deserved what I got", "Now I'm damaged goods....who could possibly want me?") By allowing him to get in my head and manipulate my thoughts like that, I was letting him win.
My first mistake was believing that guy when he told me it was all my fault because if I had just consented it wouldn't have nearly as traumatizing as it was to me. I allowed him to bring me to my all time low. I allowed him to get into my head for years. Most importantly though, I allowed him to get away with it because I didn't want to talk about it to the detective in charge of my case anymore. I didn't want to deal with what happened to me, and so I ignored it all. Now it is time for me to fight back for my happiness, my faith in God, my faith in there actually being a man for me out there somewhere. Most importantly though, I have finally gotten through my thick, stubborn head that what happened was not my fault...it was his. I made the choice to say no. He decided to not listen and do whatever he wanted by any means necessary.
Maybe one of these days I will want to share the complete story with you, but today is not that day. Today, it still hurts. Today, it still makes me sad. (Typing this all out is by far the hardest thing I have ever done) Today is where I decide I want to get back on the road to redemption and leave all of this behind where it belongs. I have faith that one day I will be back in God's loving arms for good and will not be led astray by what the devil is trying to get me off the path to righteousness with. I matter. So do we all. No one deserves to be a victim of sexual assault.
Good night all!
Remember God loves you all and He will see you through what ever hardships you happen to be weathering through at this time.
Sarah
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